- Serious thought or consideration
You may be wondering why I am starting a blog post with a definition, especially one that is so commonly known to all???
Everyone typically spends time before/after the New Year reflecting on their life, goals, decisions, etc. After all it is a new year and a great time to make a change. My change goes a little deeper than evaluating one’s goals. My change has to deal with evaluating my heart, my emotions, and my outlook on life.
I am so very sorry to my loyal readers for not posting in the past few months –I have to admit to you guys that my heart just was not in it!
As you know I had to endure the loss of my father last October. This came after a grueling six months of watching him deteriorate from liver cancer. Needless to say it was a very stressful and emotional year!
Losing a loved one is the most stressful event to have to go through, and it throws you into an emotional crisis. I didn’t want to write any more. I didn’t want to share. If I am being honest I really didn’t want to do much of anything for a while. I tried to ignore the pain. Pretend that all was right in my life. Carry on with my day to day activities as if nothing in the world had changed. That was exhausting. Just getting out of bed to go to work, try to have a “normal” day, and carry on my family responsibilities was a task. To even think about sharing something on a blog was almost impossible. I would sit at the computer with all intentions of typing out a post only to stare at the blank screen. Absolutely nothing came to mind, and when things did come to mind I just didn’t want to “talk” about them.
Ignoring the pain was getting me nowhere. You have to acknowledge the pain in order to heal. As I sat in a restaurant on a date night with my husband shortly after Christmas I realized I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Half way through our meal something was mentioned that made me think about the state my life was in, it took everything inside of me to make it through the remainder of that meal before the water works were turned on. I cried……..for two days!
That is when I realized that ignoring my feelings was only prolonging the grieving process. I had to accept it and face it in order to get myself back on track. I had to REFLECT on what had happened, and the affect the loss had on me. Which is what I did.
I have taken the past couple of weeks to really work on getting back to a better version of me. I have read a couple of books, started opening myself to God again, and really doing my best to move forward. I have made several changes with my daily routines that have helped me to move forward. For the most part I feel that I am finally at peace with the loss. I am ready to get back out into the world. To share, to love, and to enjoy everything that this life has to offer.
The emotions will still creep up on occasion, like when a certain song is playing, but now I allow myself time to be sad. I allow myself to cry and not fight the tears. Then I say a small prayer thanking God for giving me grace, being by my side, and for calling my dad to Heaven with him. Because if I am being honest – that is the absolute best place he could be!